For much of the United States, and for all I know, unknown regions beyond, Daylight Saving Time (or DST for short) begins today. And what pray tell is that, ye who live in saner countries may well ask? Well, never fear, I shall tell you. DST is a pernicious lie that was first suggested by a certain busybody with way too much time on his hands, Benjamin Franklin. You know, the genius who almost got fried by lightning flying a kite in a thunderstorm. One day way back in 1784 he was all like, “Hey guys, I’ve got a brilliant idea! Let’s all set our clocks forward an hour in the spring so we can save on candles!” And everybody nodded their heads emphatically like the sheep they are because, after all, it was Ben Franklin.
Just kidding. No one listened to Ben’s suggestion at the time because they understood that it was so preposterous it had to be a joke. But that didn’t stop future clowns from implementing the same idea in what we call the modern era, and millions of working stiffs have suffered the consequences ever since. From mild confusion to missed appointments to slight embarrassment and even sleep disorders, over the decades since its inception DST has resulted in an overall breakdown of mental and physical health for many. But I say enough is enough, friends! For too long have we protested with mere words, and as we’ve seen with other resistance movements time and again, words alone can easily be ignored. We must back those words up with action! Or in this case, inaction. So join the Daylight Saving Resistance Movement!
HOW TO JOIN THE DAYLIGHT SAVING RESISTANCE MOVEMENT (DSRM)
First, begin the protest by not turning your clocks an hour ahead today. If you already have, don’t worry! As long as DST is still in effect, it’s never too late to come to your senses and join the movement. Go now and turn all of your clocks back to the time that it actually is! Be like Hawaii, Arizona, American Samoa, Guam, The Northern Mariana Islands, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands, and tell the U.S. government to take their DST and shove it! Then, from today until November 6th, if you have something scheduled for a specific time, and others show up an hour early, be sure to berate and shame them for it! But wait, you say–won’t they laugh at me and sneer, “It’s Daylight Savings Time, you idiot!” Perhaps. But they will be the ones who are the true idiots, because first of all it’s not Daylight Savings Time, it’s Daylight Saving Time, and second of all, because like mama used to say, “Would you jump off a bridge because everyone else was doing it?” Be strong. Be resolute. Do not succumb to the mob mentality. Do not quietly rejoin the herd. You are a revolutionary!
So when your boss/spouse/clients/friends/the judge/whoever complains that you’re an hour late, calmly and quietly explain to them that they are in fact wrong, and that it’s not your fault they’ve all bought into this nonsense about turning their clocks an hour ahead, like rats following the Pied Piper. Then give them the correct time, preferrably also proudly showing them your unincorrected timepiece, and politely but firmly inform them that you will accept no substitute. And as everyone else is dragging themselves to work in the morning all bleary-eyed and groaning over having lost an hour of sleep, you can smile at these simpering fools and feel justified in having served our noble cause!
HELP SPREAD THE WORD!
Once others realise you’re resisting DST and didn’t just forget about it, if anyone tries to actually defend DST, they’ve opened the door to a debate. Don’t let this opportunity go by! Just be sure you’ve researched and rehearsed your arguments beforehand. It’s one thing to make a stand and just say no to DST, but quite another to calmly and effectively explain your position. And who knows, perhaps you’ll even gain a convert or two. The important thing is to remain composed, unwavering, and absolute. Remember: you know what time it is. They are the ones who have the wrong o’clock. But if ever you’re finding it difficult to defend your refusal to recognise DST, take my advice, just look them dead in the eye and tell them: “If God (or Goddess, or the gods, or Nature, or the Universe, or whatever) intended us all to turn our clocks forward on one particular day in the spring, He/She/they/it would have made the sun rise and set an hour later on that day as well.”
Another way you can help spread the word is by sharing this post. Please reblog, tweet, insta-whatever, etc. and ensure that this movement will be joined by a substantial number of Resisters. Remember folks, they can’t tell us all that it’s an hour later than it really is unless we let them.